The heartache no parent should ever have to endure....
October is Baby Loss Awareness Month, Baby Loss Awareness Week is October 9-15 this year, and the 15th specifically is Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Infant Loss day. Today we want to acknowledge and pay our respects to all of the parents out there who have lost a baby, whether that be in utero, or after birth. This blog is in honor of all of the angel babies taken from earth far too soon.
No matter when or how...
If a parent loses a child, this causes irreparable heartache. Whether you lost your little one at 5 weeks, 20 weeks, or shortly after birth, no parent should ever have to suffer such a painful loss. When it comes to your specific situation, the details of your loss are yours and yours alone to process. If you want to talk about it with close friends and loves ones, talk about it. If you prefer to process it alone or with someone such as a therapist, friends and family should respect this. You owe nobody an explanation for how the loss happened. Sometimes we get answers, and sometimes we don’t. Either way, this is something that is so so personal and you deserve all the grace in the world to heal however feels appropriate for you.
The Stages of Grief
Grief is often broken down into 5 different stages. A person suffering a loss may experience the first 4 stages in any given order, and may fluctuate back and forth in a circle of grief for some time. Once a person has reached acceptance, they often feel a weight of relief and can move forward with their life, even if they do so as a newly shaped person. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or never thinking about your lost child. That is just when a person decides to move forward with life as best as they can.
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
Seek Support
An extremely important factor after suffering any loss is to find a strong support system. Trying to manage everything alone is too much of a weight to bear and isolating yourself can extend your grief even longer. Whether you have one singular support person, or a group of people who you feel comfortable discussing with, find your safe space where you can process and grieve with non-judgmental company. Be sure to check in with your partner as you grieve as well. People so often forget that a loss affects both partners, not just the mother who carried the baby. It is important to make sure that you support each other mutually through this extremely difficult time.
People generally mean well...
When a child is lost, people are often at a loss for words. This is something nobody ever expects. It is a shocking event that brings sadness to so many when it happens. Friends and family may very well say some things that they MEAN to be supportive, but that come off quite wrong, hurtful, or insensitive. It can be difficult, but assume good intent and not malice. Generally speaking, those who love a person suffering the loss of a baby want to do anything and everything they can to help, but there is nothing that can bring back the life of a child.
For those who know someone suffering a loss, these are some commonly used phrases to avoid:
- God has a plan and reason for everything: this brings up all sorts of confusion and hurt for someone suffering a loss, especially if they are a strong believer. Religion can be questioned for many at a time like this.
- You can always try again: something nobody should EVER say to someone in the thick of a loss. Yes, people can SOMETIMES have more children…and sometimes they can’t for various reasons. But a statement like this insinuates that they can “replace” the child they have lost which is so hurtful.
- Are you really going to try again: this is another phrase nobody in the thick of a loss needs to hear. Of course as parents who lost a child their mind as been racing about having another or not having another. Whatever decision they make and whatever happens for them in the future is extremely personal business. It is not the time or place to ask someone such a question.
Lastly...
There is no set timeline for “healing” from a loss. We say “healing” in quotations because as parents, losing a child is something that you can never fully recover from. A person can move forward with life, but there is always a place in their heart for the child they didn’t get to raise. To all the parents of angel babies, we light a candle for you this October 15th in honor of your little ones. Our hearts and prayers go out to you eternally.
Love,
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