When we first discussed giving McKenzie a sibling, I didn’t really think through or consider what it would look like loving another child. It wasn’t until it was real that the thoughts started. Let me be real honest, I completely panicked! Will I love another child as much as I love my first? Will the connection be as deep? Was this the right choice for our family? How would this change our family dynamic? All things I probably should have considered before conceiving.
In our situation, when we found out we weren’t just expecting one baby, but two, the worry really set in! Was I completely ruining McKenzie’s life? For three plus years, all attention was on her! Her and I spent every day together, just the two of us. And now she has to share that time with two babies!
Throughout that pregnancy I would talk to other moms, ones with multiple children. I would express my fears and concerns, the ones that had me questioning if I could possibly love another child the way I loved my first baby. At the time I felt like our love was even deeper because of our fertility journey to conceive her. She is my miracle baby and stole my heart right away. She is everything I ever wanted from the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test.
These moms would reassure me that I would love again and that it will just naturally happen, like the love with my first. I brushed them off, telling myself they didn’t fully understand our closeness. And I just didn’t know if I believe them. I would answer with “Well, I know I love McKenzie, but I don’t know if I will love these babies yet”!
It sounds terrible hearing that back now, and it’s hard to admit that I would say that! But I was so nervous. Maybe the twin factor played a role, but I just couldn’t envision what life would look like with multiple children.
After many conversations, I started to change my mind frame. I would tell myself that instead of ruining McKenzie’s life and taking time away from her, we where enhancing her life and giving her siblings! What a gift! I think she would agree on most days!
I made sure to cherish those last months with her as our only child, and I believe we had some really great times and made lots of memories. As the twins’ due date approached, time started to really speed up and I wasn’t able to physically do all the things she was used to. However, I do remember snuggling her for hours one morning, wondering if it would be my last morning with her before the babies made their appearance. I loved that morning and I will never forget it.
We had a couple false alarms and for one of them she spent the night at my parents house. I remember getting frustrated that we were sent home, but then Brian reminded me that this new plan gave us another night with our first baby! We embraced and cherished it!
The twins’ birth story started with an induction. I checked into the hospital at 7:00 am and started a very slow pitocin drip (the synthetic version of oxytoxin) soon after. After hours of small bumps of pitocin, lots of spinning babies techniques and some rest and fuel, my body needed more. It was at that time that I called my parents to bring up my sweet McKenzie. After some snuggles, kisses, and a lot of tears knowing that the next time I would see her everything would be different, I went into FULL blown active labor!
That story was just the start of how she, my 3 year old at the time, helped us with such a huge family transition. It was from that moment that we decided we would actively include her in everything we did with the babies. This way she would never question our relationship and my continued deep love for her. When I nursed, she nursed her baby. When I changed a diaper, she changed her baby’s diaper. When she cried because the transition was hard, I cried with her. We were a team, and she never questioned her place or my love.
And all those other moms were right! My heart did naturally grow the day her brother and sister were born. My heart was big enough to love more than one child. And I do love them as deeply as I love her. But she will always be my first baby. She is the one who made me a mom, and that is a bond only her and I will have. I am sure I will have unique and special bonds with each of my children.
I’m here to tell you that if you have these same worries and concerns, I think it’s normal. And just like all those other moms, I will also tell you that you will love that next baby. And after he or she is born, it will be hard to imagine your life and family without them! It’s true, and they were right! Even though I didn’t believe them!
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